"Run like Hell..." - Pink Floyd

Or confront?

Halloween, the perfect time to confront our fears...
An old tradition of dragging the scary into the light. Dissect it and hopefully break it down, so instead of the horror, you see the fluff or ash it inevitably turns out to be sprinkled to disappear into the light...triumphant and feeling invincible at least once a year.

As a matter of course I don't call down the negative...it's not that I'm not aware but I don't want to give bad things any energy. You focus on it and it grows, takes on a life of it's own. Becomes the disaster you seek to avoid. But when it's forced in front of you...you look.

Like Halloween it regularly surfaces, whether you want it to or not...vampires, mummies, the Blob, Frankenstein, Monsters of the most hideous sort. Chasing you, draining you of blood, trying to kill you, absorb you, poison you, refusing to let you go, making your heart stop. And beyond that there are the Zombies...those who live through the ultimate of horrors. To not really live at all...

So for one night, one night only I drag it into the light, take off the mask, unwrap the bandages, and in the practical world, look in the mirror, look at my body, gauge my energy or lack there of...look at the pale, the tired, the sad, the lonely and the useless, feel the scream that keeps threatening and feel the chemicals that threaten to embalm.


And then I light a candle, cast it all into the dead rustling leaves to be skittered away down the street with a sudden whirl of wind, say a few words of incantation and send it far away into the night. I'll focus not.

I'll re-assess next year.

Here we go again...

Well...last chunk starts Monday. 2 down and 1 to go.

I'm a little down because I have not been feeling so great the last few weeks. The dehydration saga continues...the whole food, meds, water, salt, what I'm eating equation that regulates all that, I just have not been able to get a grip on.
On some days, out put is thick, others bag after bag of water and in between I just feel confused, weird, dehydrated and tired. Or as was the case this last week in some serious ass pain.

From what I can deduce if I eat something that disagrees with me or my bag anything raw, chunky, or spicy...I get the most delightful shooting, someone-is-jabbing-me-in-the-side-with-with-a-red-hot-poker feeling on the planet... for HOURS. And thanks to that I'm back to the "sleep two hours a night if I'm lucky world". And because I am not eating one single thing a a time, it's horrifically hard to find out exactly what was the problem food.


So...tired, not feeling good, cranky, uncomfortable, Energy ZERO.

NOT where I wanted to be when starting this VERY VERY long next chunk.

I'm worried.
Because the main side effect of the chemo is diarrhea...which just complicates things further.

Plus although this is my VERY favorite time of the year, I need to bow out of a lot of social functions because if I get sick, they'll delay my chemo, and if it delays past a certain point they won't give it to me and I need to finish the full course of this thing.

Add in some SAD (seasonal affective disorder)which I am prone to and I see a very bleak winter ahead. ( and no for the 56th time I do not want to go on antidepressants thank you very much...cripes the Dr's push that shit like candy!)


And top it off with Dr. Bitchslap (you know the surgeon I love to hate) totally bitching me out when she found out the Oncologist OK'd me to take the pill. Exclaiming " Are you kidding me?? I've never even heard of that..does your oncologist even know you have an illeostomy?? (duh..yes he does) How will we know you can even absorb it?? You might as well take nothing at all"

This woman is SERIOUSLY on my last nerve.
She declared she was going to call my oncologist and talk to him about it, I called him and he hadn't heard from her as of yet...)

BUT SERIOUSLY, why oh why did she find the need to say that to me???
That horrible statement that will now linger in my mind...making me doubt if my body is absorbing it, if it's doing any good.

And not being able to know until a few years from now if this thing resurfaces as it's 50% known to do...in the liver or the lungs no less...(although that's not what the plan is for me)

Mindset is EVERYTHING to someone fighting this stupid ass disease.

*sigh* *pounds head on table* *wishes for a drink* *craves a salad* *wishes I could be around my friends more, but strangely not...because I am SICK of talking about this shit, which unfortunately is the ONLY thing I have got going on right now* *cries....again*

Don't worry I am still rocking it...albeit in a slightly tired, confused, bleak kind of way. I'm scared and nervous. Feeling disassociated from everything and distant.
Sad and worried.

I told myself I'd be truthful in writing about this, so there you have it.

Come on Chunk Three.

Bring it.

Because I am all kinds of ready to be done with you.