"Blogging, Balance and Udder Budder..."

OK this blog was my first ever attempt at blogging...

Not the best subject matter in the world, but I think I have stayed pretty true to giving you a clear and truthful look on what it's like to be suddenly diagnosed with rectal cancer and what it's like to live that journey...

I wanted to be able to be a resource for the next person who unfortunately has to deal with that. You only get a very small slice of the view from the Dr's, nurses, books, and such...very different to hear what it's actually like to live through it daily. And as you can gather not a whole lot of fun!

Which brings me to balance...if I thought about this 24/7 (which truly I almost do...given the circumstances you just can't help it) it would drive me insane, and sometimes although I still want to provide an accurate picture, even I get bummed out about writing yet another sad ass story about meds, pain and sadness..
So to counteract that, and to keep the part of my essence that still burns brightly I have started another blog to write about things I love, music, food and whatever else catches my fancy.

Here's the link...because even you dear reader need a break about this time I suspect.

It's entitled rock food love
Right now, you can learn how to make the perfect party dip, hear about my first hand account of being at the infamous Cincinnati Who concert and see how amazing my daughter is...

And to show you not all about my cancer journey is debbie downersville here's a fabulous tip or two I learned so far:

"Udder Budder"...
So coined by my diva friend Cynthia, "my-go-to-girl" for all things to make me look and feel fabulous...she coined it after I was telling her Kevin was calling it "Udder Butter". The actual product in question is "Udderly Smooth" moisturizing cream...but please just because they use it on cows, don't let that deter you from trying this stuff because it is AMAZING!

I had to get it because the hand-and-foot syndrome demands I slather on moisturizer pretty much every hour on the hour. Anything else I was using just disappeared into my skin after like 5 minutes like I had put nothing on at all.
Seriously you have to try this stuff. Smells pleasant. Like lotion, no exotic floral or herb fragrance but not enough to clash with anything else you'd be wearing. Put this stuff on your feet, throw a pair of cozy socks on for the night and I guarantee you will wow them next time you go for a pedicure. Really it's that good!

"Natural Hair Conditioner"
Yep it's called not washing your hair every day...seriously before this whole journey started I was the girl who took a shower and washed my hair every single day without fail and maybe two if I got all sweaty from rocking out or being out in the sun. Now (and please don't be grossed out, Kevin and Em swear I don't smell...and I don't want to ruin the fantasy if they are just saying that to be nice)

At first it made me feel gross, but honestly since I don't move around and sweat that much it's not been too bad. So right now I take a shower a week dictated by the hand and foot thing again, because it makes that go crazy if I get them in hot water...so believe it or not letting my hair go, instead of being awful, has actually done wonders for my hair...I brush it once or twice a day to distribute the natural oils and I haven't even had to use conditioner. I'm not advocating going a week, but if you are an every day shampooer...just try skipping a day or two and see what it does for your hair. A nice little head massage can further help distribute the natural oil as well. And if it makes you feel too uncomfortable there are now some great dry shampoos out there that work oh so much better than Pssst! (extra brownie points to the folks that remember what that product was!)

Vitamin D3
Simply if you are not taking it you should. Pretty much everyone in North America is deficient in this vitamin. Blame our current necessary obsession with sunscreen and vampires. Seriously it's a tough one to get because you either have to get it from direct sunlight without sunscreen or milk. And most adults don't drink enough milk to get it. I've been taking it and it has done wonders for my S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) it also has the extra added benefit of cutting your chances of contracting colorectal cancer in half!! Also research has shown it's beneficial for helping to prevent other cancers as well. And if you are reading this blog I certainly hope by now you can see what an awful thing it is to have to go through...
So do it, do it tomorrow. And no worries they are teeny tiny pills, and you only need one a day.

So hopefully this post brought things a little bit more into balance for you, I know it did for me...

Still rocking it!

"Follow the Yellow Brick Road"....

Two famous quotes both attributed to Dorothy, one of the most confused heroines from one of the best, and my most favorite movie of all time, the Wizard of Oz:

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" and "There's no place like home"

These two quotes have taken on a whole new meaning for me lately...

Because in no way shape or form do I recognize where I am right now and literally there is no place like home because I can't leave my bed...

I'm on a journey and in a place so alien to me that I literally do feel like a tornado has lifted up and set me down in some place where nothing looks like it normally does, the witches(Dr's) and unrecognizable short people(Emma and friends)abound, and inanimate objects and animals talk with regularity (thanks to the lovely hallucinations compliments of my pharmacy)and holy crap there has to be a way out of this place!!! Right?

I have yet to exactly find my yellow brick road though, because the only one I've seen that even vaguely looks like it has the power to get me out of here is more comprised of minutes that drag by like months (YEARS!!), wakeupeattakemedicine-wakeupeattakemedicine, patience, patience, PATIENCE!!!!! and tiny painful steps on bricks (hardwood floors) that feel like craggy mountain stones on blistered feet and runs solely from my bed to my bathroom. Right now I have a hard time imagining that this 12 foot piece of road I travel back and forth about 6 times a day is going to get me out of this strange country.

Not only do I not recognize my environment, I don't recognize myself...

I don't recognize my appearance: dry cracking skin and straggly greasy hair, wrinkles that have showed up overnight, a body only able to get in the shower once a week, less than shining smile because a toothbrush seems too heavy to pick up, a body that looks like nothing it did 4 months ago including scary scars and stuff hanging off of me, purplish circles under my eyes and brown spots on my skin that seem to have showed up overnight from god knows where, swollen and red hands and feet.

I don't recognize my actions: crying at weird and inappropriate times, laying in bed all day everyday not being able to do anything I enjoy, watching bad TV, not being able to walk, things that used to take me seconds or minutes taking 10 times longer, clumsiness that results in a major spill or cleanup at least 2-3 times a day,having to type something 6 or 12 times over because I couldn't remember a string of 3 numbers, wearing the same clothes for a week straight, having no idea what day it is or if it's a sunny or cloudy day, except for what the sliver behind my curtain tells me. Mail arrives , I don't care, bills pile up, I don't care...I mean I'll get to it eventually...WAIT...SEE??? That is a statement that prior to this I would have never said in a million years....

I don't recognize my future, because now having gone through what I have, I don't have any idea what it will look at all, I know I'll have to be constantly on guard against this coming back..And I'm not sure I want to go back to where I was...because I think where I was has contributed to where I am now... I don't want to go back to doing too much, with folks that aren't on the same page, dealing with people who don't pull they're own weight, causing me to take on way more than any normal person should. Even though I've always realized life is short, I've found it's way too short to compromise any longer on what my real dreams are. And I have resolved to be done once and for all with all the things that were holding me back or in place, including myself.

And now "I don't think there's anything in that bag for me" as Dorothy says to the Wizard after he's handed out his version of a heart, a brain and courage to her best friends... I already have those as do all my friends, in spades, although since this happened it's hard to remember that, or not feel like the hugest burden in the world.

And I know it's not going to be a quick fix...
As long as this process has taken so far...I think it's going to be a while until I understand it all and what my future will look like.

But I continue to persevere, aided by friends who continue to remind me this isn't forever and I continue to have hope that all shall be well when I finally wake up from this bad, bad dream.

And although the wizard didn't pull it out of the bag, there actually was something in there for me, or at least something that I've taken over the years on my own, that gives me great comfort...

"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."

So I tell myself all shall be well, because I at least still recognize that...