"Follow the Yellow Brick Road"....

Two famous quotes both attributed to Dorothy, one of the most confused heroines from one of the best, and my most favorite movie of all time, the Wizard of Oz:

"Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore" and "There's no place like home"

These two quotes have taken on a whole new meaning for me lately...

Because in no way shape or form do I recognize where I am right now and literally there is no place like home because I can't leave my bed...

I'm on a journey and in a place so alien to me that I literally do feel like a tornado has lifted up and set me down in some place where nothing looks like it normally does, the witches(Dr's) and unrecognizable short people(Emma and friends)abound, and inanimate objects and animals talk with regularity (thanks to the lovely hallucinations compliments of my pharmacy)and holy crap there has to be a way out of this place!!! Right?

I have yet to exactly find my yellow brick road though, because the only one I've seen that even vaguely looks like it has the power to get me out of here is more comprised of minutes that drag by like months (YEARS!!), wakeupeattakemedicine-wakeupeattakemedicine, patience, patience, PATIENCE!!!!! and tiny painful steps on bricks (hardwood floors) that feel like craggy mountain stones on blistered feet and runs solely from my bed to my bathroom. Right now I have a hard time imagining that this 12 foot piece of road I travel back and forth about 6 times a day is going to get me out of this strange country.

Not only do I not recognize my environment, I don't recognize myself...

I don't recognize my appearance: dry cracking skin and straggly greasy hair, wrinkles that have showed up overnight, a body only able to get in the shower once a week, less than shining smile because a toothbrush seems too heavy to pick up, a body that looks like nothing it did 4 months ago including scary scars and stuff hanging off of me, purplish circles under my eyes and brown spots on my skin that seem to have showed up overnight from god knows where, swollen and red hands and feet.

I don't recognize my actions: crying at weird and inappropriate times, laying in bed all day everyday not being able to do anything I enjoy, watching bad TV, not being able to walk, things that used to take me seconds or minutes taking 10 times longer, clumsiness that results in a major spill or cleanup at least 2-3 times a day,having to type something 6 or 12 times over because I couldn't remember a string of 3 numbers, wearing the same clothes for a week straight, having no idea what day it is or if it's a sunny or cloudy day, except for what the sliver behind my curtain tells me. Mail arrives , I don't care, bills pile up, I don't care...I mean I'll get to it eventually...WAIT...SEE??? That is a statement that prior to this I would have never said in a million years....

I don't recognize my future, because now having gone through what I have, I don't have any idea what it will look at all, I know I'll have to be constantly on guard against this coming back..And I'm not sure I want to go back to where I was...because I think where I was has contributed to where I am now... I don't want to go back to doing too much, with folks that aren't on the same page, dealing with people who don't pull they're own weight, causing me to take on way more than any normal person should. Even though I've always realized life is short, I've found it's way too short to compromise any longer on what my real dreams are. And I have resolved to be done once and for all with all the things that were holding me back or in place, including myself.

And now "I don't think there's anything in that bag for me" as Dorothy says to the Wizard after he's handed out his version of a heart, a brain and courage to her best friends... I already have those as do all my friends, in spades, although since this happened it's hard to remember that, or not feel like the hugest burden in the world.

And I know it's not going to be a quick fix...
As long as this process has taken so far...I think it's going to be a while until I understand it all and what my future will look like.

But I continue to persevere, aided by friends who continue to remind me this isn't forever and I continue to have hope that all shall be well when I finally wake up from this bad, bad dream.

And although the wizard didn't pull it out of the bag, there actually was something in there for me, or at least something that I've taken over the years on my own, that gives me great comfort...

"A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others."

So I tell myself all shall be well, because I at least still recognize that...