Healing...

It's been a whole year since I have been diagnosed. This post should have actually come before the last one I wrote..but it is what it is.

Unbelievable.

I do keep myself open to the signs of the Universe, so when I found out that Todd Rundgren (one of my favorite musical artists ever) was doing the album "Healing" (one of my favorite albums of all time)in it's entirety on the VERY anniversary of my diagnosis I knew that I was meant to be there.

Now I was still on chemo mind you , so getting there wasn't easy.
But I did it. And that was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be in that moment of time.

The message of "Healing" album is just that. You can heal yourself, others, the world. It takes time and it takes compassion, but it can be done.

The concert itself was healing...it's been a while since I've been out to see a really good concert, and since Cincinnati has a preponderance of shoe gazin', stare at the floor, don't move, hipsters in the music scene, (hello boring!!!)it was rare to get a full on entertainment experience of this scale. You know, people who look like they actually enjoy playing music and appreciate that the crowd is there? besides Todd is one of the most sincere musicians I have ever seen. It just radiates from him.

The closest thing I can compare a Todd Concert to is a revival meeting...there was not a person in their seat, there was dancing, singing, clapping and pure joy the entire time, so much so that after the curtain came down the entire audience...all 1000 of them kept singing together, in harmony for a good 10 minutes after Todd left the stage. I've never seen anything like it and I have been to thousands of concerts over the years.

Pretty amazing. I also got to meet Todd's wife and son and hangout with them for a few hours after the concert, Kasim Sultan, Todd's awesome bass player (who let me hold his bass as a counterpoint to the "how heavy is your bass?" discussion we were having) was charming and not too mention Cincinati friends who were there along with Todd devotees from all over the world. And I made some new friends.

It was an incredible night.

And the universe was providing exactly what I needed to be reminded of at that exact moment in time.

"You can be a healer...".
Sing it Todd, I'm listening and I won't forget ever again.

What a long strange trip it's been...

Yeah those last two rounds of chemo...suck city.

You haven't heard from me for two reasons...the last chemo, like I said above was rough...really rough. And I turned 50...

Uh huh, a banner couple of months or so.


I think this time I will spare you the details of the utter, sadness/boredom/depression/pain/worry/apathy/did I mention depression?/impatience...yeah all that and more. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. You would think because you are so close to the end it would better, but somehow it just makes the time drag that much more...

Also the realization that it's been truly a year since I have been diagnosed, was almost too much to contemplate...a whole year of nothingness...not being able to do, to go, to accomplish. Especially for someone like me, that's equal to being in prison or hell.

And trust me, outside problems don't stop when you have cancer...and you have more because you have cancer so that makes it that much worse. More money problems, more getting around problems, more household problems, problems with my 16 year old daughter...trust me two self absorbed people (although for vastly different reasons...) do NOT a successful household make.

My first x husband dissapeared for a few months scaring me, my daughter and his parents, and my second was dragging ass in signing the divorce papers (for a year plus!) which was making me crazy because, seriously? after being gone for 4 years you really should not get my stuff if I die in surgery...my daughter should. Because in truth I am the ONLY one truly looking out for her wellbeing. Yeah like I said, the problems don't stop.

And those aforementioned things would drive a normal, healthy person batshit.
That I survived all that on top of cancer is what really impresses me...this shit is not for wimps or sissies or the faint of heart.

So that said, with all that going on I face the big 50.
Age has never really bothered me. I feel 24, look 35 and believe woleheartedly that it's a number...but an impressive number really. I have seen a half century of things. And they've been wonderful things... especially in music and technology.
I've seen bad too, the political situation scares the hell out of me right now. People seem to be less kind and self centered. With cancer you have to be self absorbed, you have to be paying attention and taking care of yourself or you will die.
Normal people? Yeah you have better have a damn good reason for being selfish.

But with 50 comes wisdom.
Damn the naysayers, don't make time for people and situations that are not worth it and don't have time for you, do what you love, be kind to the next person because whatever they are going through is just as hard as what you are going through. Fight for what you believe is right. Give generously. Be happy, the days are short and numbered. Cherish your friends and the people who love you. Surround yourself with cats and pug dogs. Be authentic, be yourself. To do anything else would be a disservice to the universe who knew very well why they put YOU here. Find the reason the universe put you here. Stop often and be grateful.

I celebrated my birthday surrounded by friends and music. People who I hadn't seen in 25 years made their way to my party to surprise me. Any friend I asked to play music with me that evening said yes woleheartedly and generously, And I realized such is the life I reaped, all of it, the bad but most importantly the mountains of good, and to realize that? That is the best knowledge, the best 50th birthday present of all.

That, and I'm finally done with chemo.

One last thing to do. Let's reverse this colostomy successfully in late May and let me get back to my life.

I'm ready for this long strange trip to end.