What a long strange trip it's been...

Yeah those last two rounds of chemo...suck city.

You haven't heard from me for two reasons...the last chemo, like I said above was rough...really rough. And I turned 50...

Uh huh, a banner couple of months or so.


I think this time I will spare you the details of the utter, sadness/boredom/depression/pain/worry/apathy/did I mention depression?/impatience...yeah all that and more. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. You would think because you are so close to the end it would better, but somehow it just makes the time drag that much more...

Also the realization that it's been truly a year since I have been diagnosed, was almost too much to contemplate...a whole year of nothingness...not being able to do, to go, to accomplish. Especially for someone like me, that's equal to being in prison or hell.

And trust me, outside problems don't stop when you have cancer...and you have more because you have cancer so that makes it that much worse. More money problems, more getting around problems, more household problems, problems with my 16 year old daughter...trust me two self absorbed people (although for vastly different reasons...) do NOT a successful household make.

My first x husband dissapeared for a few months scaring me, my daughter and his parents, and my second was dragging ass in signing the divorce papers (for a year plus!) which was making me crazy because, seriously? after being gone for 4 years you really should not get my stuff if I die in surgery...my daughter should. Because in truth I am the ONLY one truly looking out for her wellbeing. Yeah like I said, the problems don't stop.

And those aforementioned things would drive a normal, healthy person batshit.
That I survived all that on top of cancer is what really impresses me...this shit is not for wimps or sissies or the faint of heart.

So that said, with all that going on I face the big 50.
Age has never really bothered me. I feel 24, look 35 and believe woleheartedly that it's a number...but an impressive number really. I have seen a half century of things. And they've been wonderful things... especially in music and technology.
I've seen bad too, the political situation scares the hell out of me right now. People seem to be less kind and self centered. With cancer you have to be self absorbed, you have to be paying attention and taking care of yourself or you will die.
Normal people? Yeah you have better have a damn good reason for being selfish.

But with 50 comes wisdom.
Damn the naysayers, don't make time for people and situations that are not worth it and don't have time for you, do what you love, be kind to the next person because whatever they are going through is just as hard as what you are going through. Fight for what you believe is right. Give generously. Be happy, the days are short and numbered. Cherish your friends and the people who love you. Surround yourself with cats and pug dogs. Be authentic, be yourself. To do anything else would be a disservice to the universe who knew very well why they put YOU here. Find the reason the universe put you here. Stop often and be grateful.

I celebrated my birthday surrounded by friends and music. People who I hadn't seen in 25 years made their way to my party to surprise me. Any friend I asked to play music with me that evening said yes woleheartedly and generously, And I realized such is the life I reaped, all of it, the bad but most importantly the mountains of good, and to realize that? That is the best knowledge, the best 50th birthday present of all.

That, and I'm finally done with chemo.

One last thing to do. Let's reverse this colostomy successfully in late May and let me get back to my life.

I'm ready for this long strange trip to end.