One of those weeks where cancer was the least of my worries...
Emma's dad went missing for two weeks and it took it's toll. He's been found.So there's a relief there, but it took out about everything I had in the process.
When you have cancer, you just get depleted, in vitamins, minerals, weight, brain power, energy, patience, money, happiness...well really just about everything but the support and love from your friends.
And sometimes that comes in seemingly strange packages.
Even though today should have been a stellar day (Anne in town, nice day outside, hand and feet better than last time at this juncture) I couldn't sleep for the last couple of days and it took EVERYTHING I had to drag myself out of bed this morning (well, OK this afternoon) to eat with Anne, Emma and Kevin.
As I made a half hearted attempt to brush my hair, looking in the mirror I did not recognize myself. "Oh my god, I look like shit" And the truth was I did. And Anne bless her heart and the most fabulous friend I have, looked me straight in the eye and said " yeah, you do look really, really tired" And that my friends is true love. She didn't sugarcoat, she didn't try to bullshit me, she just called it like it was. Which let me know I was right and I needed to do something about it.
I feel so bad and weird all the time, sometimes my friends can kind of trick me into thinking it's not as bad as it is and it's "fabulous as usual". And sometimes that's a good thing. Today it wasn't and Anne knew it.
So after eating lunch and hugging my beautiful friend good-by, I went back to bed, because what I needed most was sleep...and lot's of it.
Daring to tell the truth. Today, a good thing.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
4,3,2,1...GO!
OK started round 4 yesterday.
Feeling good so far. Stocked up. Made some good food, went to Kroger's, went to the DR.
Now to bed for two weeks..
Kind of glad the weather's been crappy, because it makes me feel less bad about not going anywhere...I just pretend I'm on one loooong.....snow day.
On the agenda for this two week lay in?
Crocheting, checking my e-mail and facebook. Updating my blogs. Finishing up the last season of Ugly Betty, (before I go on to starting Dexter)...slathering Udder Budder on hands and feet every hour on the hour...(can you tell I'm losing my mind?)
Wish I was doing something more important...like a lay in for peace or something.
But I guess fighting for my life is as noble a cause right now.
Still rocking it....horizontally.
Feeling good so far. Stocked up. Made some good food, went to Kroger's, went to the DR.
Now to bed for two weeks..
Kind of glad the weather's been crappy, because it makes me feel less bad about not going anywhere...I just pretend I'm on one loooong.....snow day.
On the agenda for this two week lay in?
Crocheting, checking my e-mail and facebook. Updating my blogs. Finishing up the last season of Ugly Betty, (before I go on to starting Dexter)...slathering Udder Budder on hands and feet every hour on the hour...(can you tell I'm losing my mind?)
Wish I was doing something more important...like a lay in for peace or something.
But I guess fighting for my life is as noble a cause right now.
Still rocking it....horizontally.
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Half a World Away..." - REM
As of tomorrow I am halfway through my chemo...
So huge fucking YAY!!
The 10% reduction in my chemo made a big difference and I am not feeling as bad as I was so here's to the positive! I at least made it to one Christmas social celebration, but was very sad to have to sit home on New Year's Eve (I don't think I have ever done that before, come to think of it, unless I was throwing a party) But KP made it bearable with some delicious sushi from Miyako, we made some Bellini's which were insanely yummy (and yes I checked to see if I could have alcohol on my chemo, they said yes...) and laughed our way through Caddy Shack...the gopher gets me every time.
Ive also learned to plan better (groceries, when I can be up and down, when I need to stay in bed) to make the hand/foot syndrome more bearable. I am still going through pints of "Udder Budder" like it's water...but I've been telling myself it's a "spa treatment".
Although truth be told, all of my skin has come off of my hands and feet like 4 times already...ick. I'm hoping "exposed bone" isn't next.
You all know the kind of year I have had, since this has been going on since early April. So you can imagine I was not sorry to see 2010 go by the wayside.
I have been a bit down as of late...in this seemingly never ending journey. But am happy to report that I woke up on January first feeling REALLY good. (a miracle in itself considering the amount of Bellini's I consumed) not only did I feel good physically (well relatively all things considered...)I felt good mentally...like wow, the sun just came out good! in fact the best and most positive I have felt in along time.
I have a good feeling about this year...however since I'm half done, I still have a bit of road ahead of me, REM says it better than I ever could:
"This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
High alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away here
My head sworn
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Go it alone
Hold it along and hold, hold.
This lonely deep sit hollow
I’m half a world
Half the world away
My shoes are gone
My life spent
I had too much to drink
I didn’t think
And I I didn’t think of you
I guess that’s all I needed
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds backwards forwards and fall and hold hold.
Oh this lonely world is wasted
Pathetic eyes high alive
blind to the tide that turns the sea
This storm it came up strong
It shook the trees
And blew away our fear
I couldn’t even hear
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds backwards forwards and fall and hold hold.
This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
high alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hands tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away and go "
Here's hoping your own New Year is happy, healthy and positive in all aspects...
As for me, I am still rocking it! And hope you are too.
So huge fucking YAY!!
The 10% reduction in my chemo made a big difference and I am not feeling as bad as I was so here's to the positive! I at least made it to one Christmas social celebration, but was very sad to have to sit home on New Year's Eve (I don't think I have ever done that before, come to think of it, unless I was throwing a party) But KP made it bearable with some delicious sushi from Miyako, we made some Bellini's which were insanely yummy (and yes I checked to see if I could have alcohol on my chemo, they said yes...) and laughed our way through Caddy Shack...the gopher gets me every time.
Ive also learned to plan better (groceries, when I can be up and down, when I need to stay in bed) to make the hand/foot syndrome more bearable. I am still going through pints of "Udder Budder" like it's water...but I've been telling myself it's a "spa treatment".
Although truth be told, all of my skin has come off of my hands and feet like 4 times already...ick. I'm hoping "exposed bone" isn't next.
You all know the kind of year I have had, since this has been going on since early April. So you can imagine I was not sorry to see 2010 go by the wayside.
I have been a bit down as of late...in this seemingly never ending journey. But am happy to report that I woke up on January first feeling REALLY good. (a miracle in itself considering the amount of Bellini's I consumed) not only did I feel good physically (well relatively all things considered...)I felt good mentally...like wow, the sun just came out good! in fact the best and most positive I have felt in along time.
I have a good feeling about this year...however since I'm half done, I still have a bit of road ahead of me, REM says it better than I ever could:
"This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
High alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away here
My head sworn
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Go it alone
Hold it along and hold, hold.
This lonely deep sit hollow
I’m half a world
Half the world away
My shoes are gone
My life spent
I had too much to drink
I didn’t think
And I I didn’t think of you
I guess that’s all I needed
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds backwards forwards and fall and hold hold.
Oh this lonely world is wasted
Pathetic eyes high alive
blind to the tide that turns the sea
This storm it came up strong
It shook the trees
And blew away our fear
I couldn’t even hear
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
To go it alone
And hold it along
Haul it along
And hold it
Blackbirds backwards forwards and fall and hold hold.
This could be the saddest dusk
I’ve ever seen
Turn to a miracle
high alive
My mind is racing
As it always will
My hands tired my heart aches
I’m half a world away and go "
Here's hoping your own New Year is happy, healthy and positive in all aspects...
As for me, I am still rocking it! And hope you are too.
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