Chunk 1...2 Days To Go

2 More days. 2 more radiation treatments. 12 more chemo pills.
I need you to send some positive energy my way the next two days to vaporize this tumor out of existance!!!!!

Send pink hearts, send healing energy streams, send starwars-like figures with healthy ray guns, send tiny monsters to eat the damn thing up, send cooling healing waters...do it. I need it and I will be sending myself all those things too.

Goal..PRISTINE RECTUM. (It's attainable believe it!!)

My Horoscope for tomorrow:


You might feel as if you are in total confusion today, Beth. The goal you had set for yourself and in which you invested all of your energy is beginning to change its orientation. But where is it taking you now? That is the question you might be asking yourself subconsciously. Try not to let the tension build up. You need to be as patient as possible!


I am ready for chunk 1 to be OVER.
I want the diarrhea and burning to stop.
I want to have an appetite.
I want to not be exhausted.
I want to feel like combing my hair and brushing my teeth.

I'm ready to start healing.

Your love and good energy have kept me going!!
I maybe down but I am certainly not out and yes I am still rocking it!!

After my last dose of chemo Friday night I planning on sleeping for the next 3 or 4 days. As much as possible...

And as soon as it's out of my system, here comes yoga, walking and healthy stuff for my body and mind.
I am now getting ready for Chunk Two.

I will be ready. (But it's not like I'm tense or impatient or anything...lol)

Oh and Team Fuck Off...I think a celebration night is in order sometime next week...don't you? :-)

Social Networking...

I think my friends may be a little worried about me.
Why?

I think because I have not dissapeared, I still manage to work, go to radiation every day, go to the grocery store (sometimes...)make it to Northside Tavern for "Karaoke Fantatstic Thursday's (even if for an hour and a gingerale)once a week to see all my fabulous friends in one place. I'm still going to band practice, I think they might be worried that I'm trying to do too much, BUT these things make me feel GOOD!...and maybe they think I'm not talking about my worries as much as I should.

Most of the time when people ask me how I am doing, Here's what I say: "Fabulous!".
And I mean it. Because I am doing fabulously.

And here's why: I have not run away to Tahiti, joined a religious cult, started drinking wheatgrass and only wheatgrass, bitchslapped a Dr., started doing heavy drugs, eaten myself to the size of a blimp, open my mouth and screamed for 4 days straight or banged my head against a wall repeatedly...although ALL of these things have crossed my mind. I am VERY grounded in what's happening to me...I have not gone off the deep end.


In essence I have tried to keep my breakdowns a little private...and here's why

I have worries...a fucking boat ton right now...besides my health (obviously...)I worry about Emma, Kevin, Work, germs, the house, my kitties (Jasper is not doing too well...) My after chemo, my car is dying, having enough money, my friends, my band, I could go on and on and on...There is pretty much nothing I am not worried about right now...I worry because I can get very little done right now to make ANY of these things better. I'm "worried sick"...only I can't be "worried sick" right now...it's not an option. Trust me Emma and Kevin get an ear load. (and both deserve kudos and hugs when you see them!!!!)..but only when I can't keep it at bay or it comes sweeping in. I am honoring all my feelings right now if I feel like crying I cry, if I feel like sleeping I sleep and if I feel like going to Northside Tavern I go..

Here's the thing I have cancer,and yes right now I feel like shit, but I am not dead, nor do I plan to be anytime in the next 50 years.

And it's important for me to feel that I am still alive...still a part and get some energy from being around my friends in a normal setting, and I really don't want to dump on my friends on a fun evening out, I know I CAN, but I don't want to add more to their worries, it just adds to mine....it's always made me feel good to see my friends, but now it's saving my life more than you know.

So when you see me and I say I am "Fabulous" do not think me deranged...
And don't think you won't see me break down at some point you will, from what I understand "Chunk 1" is a walk in the park compared to what's to come...
So allow me my normalcy as long as I can get it...
Trust me if I need something I will ask, if I need to sleep or can't do something I will tell you. And your turn to be the "dumpee" is coming...you can count on it.
I love you all.

Because When it Rains it Pours...Raccoons Apparently...

So after yesterday I was EXHAUSTED.

I had to fight the fight with Dr. Bitchslap...then go back to the hospital to spend another two hours get my new "boost" markings...or as I explained to someone, "Yay! Now my butt looks like a Deer target instead of a Bear Target!!".

The only saving graces were getting to spend some time with my work team at lunch (Team FO P&G Axillary!!)...and my friend Jen-Jen came over to distract me, so we dished and watched Mama-Mia...all the while still dealing with "Baby's on Fire" syndrome.

So I went without a nap, planning on going to bed early because face it I'm freaking exhausted. So I ate a little early, took my meds...soothed my body and mind down and was just heading up the stairs and as I went to go up the stairs I glanced into the kitchen and there were two raccoons...ok on up to be...WTF?? What were two raccoons doing in my house????

I looked at them..they looked at me...at least they weren't growling at me (actually they looked a little shy and freaked out)...but then that scene from that movie, you know the one, where the raccoon inevitably jumps on someones face and they dance around in a circle and scream while the raccoon eats the guys face off????...yep that's what I was thinking.

And of course my phone was in the kitchen!!, so I yelled up to Emma "Emergency, bring your phone" and she called Kevin while I tried to think of a way to herd and protect the 3 cats and simultaneously open the (locked I may add...) door and shoo the racoons out...my dining room and kitchen are open to each other through 2 doors (kinda like a circle..) so as I was herding cats I looked back into the kitchen (whilst holding the stout walking stick I keep for intruders) and they were gone!... or so I thought...I was busy trying to get the cats upstairs (as RABIES!!, CLAWING!!, FUR CARNAGE!! ran around in my head)and then I hear Emma screaming from the kitchen...poor little fella (only 1? omg where's the other one?? Did he go out the door??)was trapped by the refrigerator (and the CATFOOD) looking scared as can be...why I tried to make kissy noises and say "come on little fella I won't hurt you" trying to lure him to the door...

He then proceeded to turn around, eat the catfood and wash his hands noisely, happily in the cats water dishes...what a MESS!!!

Then he started for the dining room...and Jasper..and I was able to cut him off and then he disappeared down the basement steps...

Meanwhile Kevin is on his way and when he gets there we proceed to go over every inch of the house...there is no obvious way that they could have gotten in...he rechecks the basement for me...raccoon vanished.

We then spend til 2 AM trying to disinfect everything...bringing the catbox upstairs, just in case, barring the basement door.

Today I am double exhausted... :-(

You've always known raccoons are bandits...so now you know they are also "Time Bandits". Hmpff. Stop eating my catfood.

Baby's on Fire....

OK I am not even gonna mess around on this one. Times is bad my friends.
The lyrics that have been running around my head like a crazy hamster on a wheel for the last 4 days, brought to you by the lovely Brian Eno:

"Baby's on fire, better throw her in the water
She said she was hot stuff, and that's what baby's been reduced to...

Radiation has kicked in full force and it REALLY SUCKS.
I basically feel like I have a bladder infection 24/7...so instead of feeling like I am on fire when I am peeing I feel like that ALL...THE...TIME.
Can't sleep...I'm jumping up to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Not hungry...afraid to eat anything even slightly spicy because it makes the fire that much more intolerable..can't focus, can't sit down, can't stand up. Can't...stand...feeling...this ...way!!!!!!!!

It was so bad on Monday that they would not give me my radiation treatment..which of course pushed back my "Thursday-I'm-finally-done-with-chunk-one" happy day.

And the Dr. I saw at the hospital who wouldn't let me get the treatment (My regular radiation doc is on vacay) pissed me off royally because he told me in no uncertain terms that my surgeon would NOT want me having my last three "boost" treatments (Boost is where they aim a more concentrated ray at the tumor itself) because quote..unquote..."She thinks that they make it harder for you to heal".
I said "Does it make it harder for you to heal?"...then he said "Well, she thinks so" So I was banned from radiation Monday and told to return Tuesday am at 9 to talk to him after he touched base with my surgeon...

Onto, 10 AM Tuesday morning...I've set at the hospital for an hour...haven't seen the Dr., haven't had my treatment (because I'm not allowed to without talking to him first)and I was REALLY starting to get mad...and scared.

Don't know if you realize, but once they radiate you in an area of your body, they can never radiate there again. It's a one shot deal. And now I was starting to get REALLY MAD that I was going to lose these last three treatments because the surgeon "thinks it's a bad idea" and why the hell didn't I hear about this like 5 WEEKS AGO??? Would I spend the rest of my life worrying that my cancer could come back because I missed an opportunity that could never come again?
And on top of everything else... I had to go to the bathroom AGAIN. I was definitely not having a good day.

So finally I went back to the nurse's desk and asked what was going on..."Oh The Dr. doesn't need to see you today."...what?? (well then why the hell didn't he call and tell me that??) "But I can't get my treatment without his OK.."..so they called him and what did he say? "Oh it's fine the surgeon totally thinks she should have the boost."

Crap. All that worry and freak out for nothing, Dr's need to do a better job realizing that every single word out of their mouths has the potential to make a huge emotional impact, every time they open their mouths... and a day added to my chunk one schedule. (and in the back of my mind I am thinking..crap, asshole, shithead...)

BUT. I am almost done with radiation. 3...days...to...go.
Yeah, You could say I'm all kinds of "fired up".

The Sweetest Thing...

Way, way back in the day I remember distinctly saying "I would never work at a large impersonal corporate job!!!" This was due to the fact that my Dad had a similar job and I missed him because he had to travel all the time. Plus it just didn't jive with me playing rock n roll out on the road...

Well a perfect case my friends for never saying never.

After I got off of my 10 year stint on the road as a musician I worked for a short time at an Ad Agency...this was technically my first "Real Job" ever...from a creative standpoint it wasn't bad and I got to do some truly amazing stuff like do interactive kiosks and do the very first interactive program for P&G. After I left due to the fact they much preferred folks with the single lifestyle, who could basically work around the clock (What do you mean you have to leave at 5:30 to pick up your daughter?) I left to do freelance work and worked quite a bit for P&G. There I worked for a Director named Robin Jowaisis. He knew why I had left the ad agency and he really liked the work I was doing for P&G.

So then the question started..."Hey Beth why don't you apply at P&G?" Well seriously the first time he asked me (and every subsequent time really...) I just fell out laughing. Me? Miss RocknRoller? Miss "I have purple hair and carry a lunchbox for a purse"? Me Miss "Death to Corporations" Work for "The Man"?...NO WAY...Ha Ha Ha!!! "Oh no thank you" I would tell Robin...pretty much daily...this man would not let up...the more I thought about it the funnier it seemed. This is when "proctoids" the not-so-very-nice term for P&G folks was still around and very true. Automatons in suits who looked alike, dressed alike and thought alike...

I could not picture myself there NO WAY, NO HOW.

So after about the 56th time he asked me when I was applying (I am not exaggerating on that one)I did it. Yep I did it, just to shut him up.

And OH MY GOD they offered me a job...

Now what?? Well I rationalized, I could use the benefits and I could just do it for a year to have something awesome on my resume...and so I told myself I would do it...for a year, and if at any moment I was bored or didn't like it I could leave.
And it was so weird I honestly thought it was some kind of mistake that they hired me...as much as I couldn't picture myself there...my intuition told me to take it.

And I did it...I accepted the job. And this year was my 12th anniversary there.
Yes my friends hard to believe. 12 years later.

And here's what I learned....I actually had something to offer..my experience my marketing and IT savvy and I honestly felt the longer I was there I also had a spiritual mission to help the company move forward from automatons to being able to accept working with folks like me. A lot of things have changed in the last 12 years...no suits, cell phones, working from home, testing and using new tools...I worked to be at the front of it all and now P&G is a very different place...and hopefully a little bit because of me. :-)

It's been an amazing experience, I learned to be a good project manager, a good manager, I learned to trust my rock and roll intuition, I learned how to develop applications, I got to network with some of the smartest minds in the world and meet some incredible people...

Now flash forward to today or more accurately a week ago...it was time for our section meeting and I was looking forward to it...because I hadn't seen my team since I had to break my bad news and I missed them and I also wanted to let them know I was really doing OK.

Now at P&G it's such a big company it's a lot like life itself...you have good situations and not-so-good. This time around I have been blessed with a FABULOUS team of folks I work with..the BEST hands down since I started at the company. these are folks I not only enjoy working with, but without exception would truly enjoy hanging out with them outside of work. They are all brilliant and funny and just "Good People".

They (to my surprise!) didn't bat an eyelash to my "Team Fuck off' arrangement..in fact they embraced it whole heartedly as "TFO - P&G Contingent" and at least once a week I get something from them just to cheer me up...I got my awesome hair hat with changeable colors of hair I can velcro in and out at will , funny cartoons you name it...always made me laugh...

But the biggest surprise..the sweetest thing was at our section meeting out came the tee shirts!!!

"TFO P&G Contingent - Kicking butt cancer's ass!"

Ha Ha!! My anarchy is complete...!!
Except for one thing...they handed me a package and in it was an iPad...an iPad...an IPAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then did the appropriate business response and burst into tears.

They said "we know things might get worse before they get better...so now you have something to stay in touch and keep occupied"

I have never had something touch me like that did.

So right now this update is for my uber supportive wonderful friends and coworkers at P&G, Sam, Delaine, Gina, Pete, Sharon, Curt, Jim, Terry and Joe and guess what guys? I am doing it on my iPad...from the bathroom!!
(Naw, not really just kidding about being in the bathroom :-))

Proctoids? What Proctoids?

Glad I followed my intuition...

Behind...

BUSY! I've been busy!

Oh I know that's not a decent excuse but, on the upside it means I have felt good enough to be busy.
I've had an amazing two weeks...my friend Cynthia was visiting from Michigan, where she was exiled a year or so ago to the UP...or Upper Peninsula as it's more widely know, a vast punishment for my beautiful musical pop culture friend.

She and I managed to do some fun things and she helped me out immeasurably getting the house in order and cooking some fabulous Mexican food...she also got a copy of the "Nutritional Healing Book" for me so I'm prepared when the radiation and chemo have ended and I need to get in tip top shape for surgery.

I managed to play Taste of Cincinnati and the gig went beautifully, save the insane heat during the day and me managing to lose the entire band as I tried to navigate the one way streets and street closures. But we made it on time and the hundreds of folks who came out to see us made it all worth while.

So, now's the time when the shit starts to "hit the fan" so to speak...last Monday was an "exercise in insane diarrhea"...really there is no other way to put it. On Tuesday when I saw the Oncologist I told him things weren't out of control but the urgency factor was getting worse. So he said "Well I think it's time to start the Imodium" so I grabbed some on the way home, thinking I was home free, but I was Oh SO WRONG!! All hell broke loose...all hell from my butt to be precise, having been only hitting the restroom 3 maybe 4 times a day so far imagine my surprise on Tuesday when I lost count at 25...yep that's right I said upwards of 25...I didn't think a person could go that much EVER. And it blew. And it hurt. And it SUCKED!!!

So Tuesday morning the call went out..."I need something else PLEASE...Imodium and I, we don't get along!" So I ended up getting a prescription for Immodil and happy to report it did the trick. The big D is now under control and no big deal.
Tuesday is not a day I care to repeat EVER!!.

However it was a sad reminder that all this stuff is supposed to get worse before it gets better.

So today It's been 4 weeks and 2 days of Chemo/radiation and I am still rocking it.

The tiredness has gotten worse but thanks to the Imomdil, nothing else has.(Take THAT diarrhea!!!) :-)

So how tired you ask?...well I am still going to radiation every morning and working and then I have the strength to do "one thing" like make breakfast and do the dishes...or drive Emma somewhere or get lunch. Pick one. Then it's nap time.
Then when I get up and it's the same thing, one thing and only one. So I have just accepted that's the way it's going to be for the next few weeks.
Chemo and radiation are over next Wednesday! (Yay!!) but then everything culminates a week or so after so...bring it on "c'...I'm ready to kick these last few days of chunk one out the door!! And shrink you out of my life forever!

Also I had the interesting experience of actually staying home this weekend. Wow...way weird!! The TFO'er's were right there with me when we stayed in Saturday night and watched Eurotrip...And you know what? It was one of the best nights I had in a long time. I had all the folks I'd go out to see with me, without the loudness and crazy people antics you would encounter on any given Saturday being out and about.

So we're coming into the home stretch of chunk one....and I'm still rocking.