Social Networking...

I think my friends may be a little worried about me.
Why?

I think because I have not dissapeared, I still manage to work, go to radiation every day, go to the grocery store (sometimes...)make it to Northside Tavern for "Karaoke Fantatstic Thursday's (even if for an hour and a gingerale)once a week to see all my fabulous friends in one place. I'm still going to band practice, I think they might be worried that I'm trying to do too much, BUT these things make me feel GOOD!...and maybe they think I'm not talking about my worries as much as I should.

Most of the time when people ask me how I am doing, Here's what I say: "Fabulous!".
And I mean it. Because I am doing fabulously.

And here's why: I have not run away to Tahiti, joined a religious cult, started drinking wheatgrass and only wheatgrass, bitchslapped a Dr., started doing heavy drugs, eaten myself to the size of a blimp, open my mouth and screamed for 4 days straight or banged my head against a wall repeatedly...although ALL of these things have crossed my mind. I am VERY grounded in what's happening to me...I have not gone off the deep end.


In essence I have tried to keep my breakdowns a little private...and here's why

I have worries...a fucking boat ton right now...besides my health (obviously...)I worry about Emma, Kevin, Work, germs, the house, my kitties (Jasper is not doing too well...) My after chemo, my car is dying, having enough money, my friends, my band, I could go on and on and on...There is pretty much nothing I am not worried about right now...I worry because I can get very little done right now to make ANY of these things better. I'm "worried sick"...only I can't be "worried sick" right now...it's not an option. Trust me Emma and Kevin get an ear load. (and both deserve kudos and hugs when you see them!!!!)..but only when I can't keep it at bay or it comes sweeping in. I am honoring all my feelings right now if I feel like crying I cry, if I feel like sleeping I sleep and if I feel like going to Northside Tavern I go..

Here's the thing I have cancer,and yes right now I feel like shit, but I am not dead, nor do I plan to be anytime in the next 50 years.

And it's important for me to feel that I am still alive...still a part and get some energy from being around my friends in a normal setting, and I really don't want to dump on my friends on a fun evening out, I know I CAN, but I don't want to add more to their worries, it just adds to mine....it's always made me feel good to see my friends, but now it's saving my life more than you know.

So when you see me and I say I am "Fabulous" do not think me deranged...
And don't think you won't see me break down at some point you will, from what I understand "Chunk 1" is a walk in the park compared to what's to come...
So allow me my normalcy as long as I can get it...
Trust me if I need something I will ask, if I need to sleep or can't do something I will tell you. And your turn to be the "dumpee" is coming...you can count on it.
I love you all.