The Battle is O'er...

But did I win the war?

A must of a strategic perspective for anyone fighting to win. I think right now I could pick up a Magic-8 ball and could get, "The future is cloudy", "No", "Yes" or perhaps the most accurate..."ask again later".

I did make it.
I made it through 5 weeks of chemo combined with radiation, major surgery to remove a large part of my rectum and colon, a temporary colostomy bag, 6 l-o-n-g months of chemo, and an illeostomy reversal.

I recently had both a Cat Scan and PET scan come back clear, and the marker in my blood that went up with the cancer diagnoses is now officially back to normal.

But am I? And will I ever be? Will this horrible experience descend again...?
"ask again later".

I made it through no doubt, due to an incredible support network of friends and family and positive energy and prayer from literally around the world. That's the largest part...but the other part I just recently discovered was both a blessing and a curse. What I recently discovered is that part of the reason I made it through was because I put my head down and just kept walkin'...

No matter what horrific thing I was told, no matter how many horrific things they kept throwing at me I just nodded my head and said "let's do this thing'...I was determined, I was focused, I just kept walking. I scheduled and showed up for the surgery, I took the poison, I gave the blood, I laid down for the radiation....

But what I wasn't doing as I found out recently, was emotionally dealing with all of this. Because it was so horrific...it was too horrific for me to really stop and think about it and deal with at the time. REALLY deal with it. Because if I had really faced the horrific-ness I more than likely would have stopped walking and started running...away...as far as possible.

So now's the time for me to deal...and cry and mourn, the process, the event, the lost time and body-parts, the dis-ease, the destruction the...horrific-ness of it all.

Because if I don't, I can't move on. And I won't be completely well.
Do you have any idea how sad and frustrating it is to realize the enemy is gone?
But you don't feel like you've won?

I still don't feel good. My digestive system is still learning to work again...I want to jump up and down and thank everyone and say Yay!! We Won!!

But I can't, not yet...and maybe not for 5 years and maybe not ever.

But I can take this next step...wholeheartedly, mindfully in the present and try.
I guess I still need to keep walkin' for a little while longer...