2010 B.C.

What I did before cancer...

Read my e-mail, work, eat, tell Emma to clean up her room, go to band practice, meet my friends out and about, facebook, think about writing a new song, read and think about food, shop for shoes, sing "big electric cat" to Jasper, watch Smokey push things off of the dining room table with her paw, worry about how long the rock and roll scene will tolerate me, call Anne and talk about restaurants and recipes, avoid cleaning my closet, eat sushi with Kevin, think "I should really get in touch with so-and so...", Call my Mom and Dad, put off doing laundry, muck about in the garden, take naps, worry how to grow my haircolor out, berate myself for not doing more artwork, cook risotto, worry about getting old...

What I do now...
Sit in abject terror at 3 AM, obsessively research "adenocarcinoma" and "the effects of chemo" on google, think about how all the food I eat will taste like metal, worry about throwing up, worry about being able to tolerate chemo, worry I won't be around for Emma, worry who will take care of the kitties, obsess about cancer, obsess over every little ache and pain worrying that my cancer has spread further, worry my hair will fall out, work, try to sleep...can't sleep, can't take Ambien because I have a Dr. appt in 4 hours, obsess about cancer, track down a lawyer so I can "have my affairs in order" worry people will find out and think badly of me or treat my band differently, talk 6 hours on the phone every night trying to explain to people what's going on, be grateful I have amazing friends, go to Dr.s appts, be on a first name with "Kara" my oncologist's receptionist...she already recognizes my voice, obsess about cancer, be sad I can't eat sushi, or carpaccio or blue cheese for a year, be sad I can't have sex for a year, be sad I can't play music out for a year, obsess about cancer, talk about cancer, think about cancer, cry, make tasteless jokes, cry, talk about cancer, lay down try to sleep for an hour, get up, obsess about cancer, hug Emma, be sad Emma has to see this, tell my cats I have cancer and I need their kitty healing energy, be upbeat and positive for a minute, think about cancer, obsess about cancer, talk about cancer, cry at band practice, cry in the grocery store, cry at dinner, cry when I am driving, try to figure out how to handle work and do all the Dr's appts etc, worry about which clinical trial group I'll be on, hug Kevin, worry about surgery, worry about throwing up, talk to my friends...about cancer, look at my art supplies and my bass and cry. Obsess about cancer, look up "adenocarinoma" and "the effects of radiation" and "colostomy" on Google. Worry I won't live and cry, and cry and cry.

I've heard people say it changes everything...I had no idea.