Knock, Knock, Knock...on Wood.

Day 4...already.

Tomorrow I will have lived through my first week of Radiation and Chemo. (Yay me!!)
Here's hoping the rest goes as well and as fast as this week did.
I'm tired, really tired, but is that the chemo? Or am I just tired from being insanely busy for the last 15 years of my life??
No nausea or diarrhea or any of the other icky possibilities so far...knock wood.

Still having emotional ups and downs, but overall I am just realizing and OK with the fact that this is reality, and I just have to deal with it and do what I need to do.

Life is not without it's strangeness however...
I now have to live my life in "chunks". (As in "right now we're in Chunk 1 on day 4")
My day is dictated by my being at my radiation appt exactly on time and figuring out exactly when I have to eat so I can take my pills "exactly 30 minutes later". There is no lee-way in this. My life depends on it.

Although I have many meetings and appts in my life normally (juggling work, band and daughter is a feat unto itself...)...I am not what you would call a person with a routine. In fact I am the "chronically 5 minutes late" person...I've been that way all of my life. I never liked routines...and this week just bolstered that feeling . Routines make me feel tied down and stifled...where is the joy? Where is the spontaneity?

Routines mean I can't take off for Rio or Paris at the drop of a hat, or lose myself in painting or writing a song without limiting the creativity...not that I would actually DO that regularly (although I have in the past pre-P&G), but it's beautiful to know you could if you wanted to. And right now I can't...probably for a while.

So now the challenge is how to be creative and spontaneous in the tiny moment or "in a schedule" if you will...big challenge. But I am up for it.

On Facebook during the month of April I gave my self the challenge of writing a haiku a day for National poetry month...and it was a challenge! Some days were easy, some were frustrating and made me want to scream, some days I drew a blank, but then turned around and made that into the haiku. My favorite? The one I made for Easter: "Oh bunny, bunny. Chocolate ears are beautiful...you can't hear me now" - Still laughing over that one... Only a certain amount of syllables allowed to get across a thought or feeling...But hey I did it. And I realized sometimes constriction makes you be more brief , more meaningful, more in the moment. And it's just as deep. And I think I just realized that although spontaneity is great...sometimes it can be running away from what beauty that is right where you are right now.

And I intend to find it...knock wood.