Miss Independent

OK just to be clear upfront..a very sucky Kelly Clarkson song, BUT a very good title to what Ive been examining lately...

Independence. From the moment we're born that's what we're encouraged and long to do, to be...

We're encouraged to walk. to eat, to drive, to live on our own and to be independent enough to make decisions to further our education and join our lives with other people. And most of these things are celebrated as milestones...Look baby's first steps! Look She just got her license!! Graduation, and on and on...

We spend our whole lives learning and yearning to stand on our own feet (literally) and embellish and learn from our mistakes and education to become a functioning independent contributor to society.

So what's that got to do with cancer...oh dependence here I come!

The other night Kevin and I went to Kroger's for the very fun task of outfitting my house for cancer. Which means I got to spend a whole lot of money on things like Gatorade, heavy duty antibacterial cleaner and sanitizing wipes, and hand sanitizer...I spent like $200 and didn't even get any food...
And there was this one item on the list...sounds silly right now as I write about it, but it gave me pause...a long pause...Johnson's Baby Shampoo
I haven't used Johnson's baby shampoo since Emma was a baby...and before that?
When I was a baby. But even though they predict I probably won't be losing my hair, you are strongly cautioned to use a very gentle shampoo in the meantime...BABY SHAMPOO. Kevin and I had gotten everything on my list except that, and I mumbled something like "oops forgot something, you just hang here and I'll be right back" because I didn't want him to see me buying BABY SHAMPOO.

And that evening or shortly thereafter I was out and I was confessing I don't have much of an appetite and my friends were wholeheartedly agreeing I need to have a bunch of Ensure around in case I'm not getting enough nutrients. Ensure. It's like baby formula for old people...

This is a way harder pill for me to swallow than chemo.
I don't want to be a baby (although I may be whining like one at the moment lol)I don't want to be helpless. I don't want people to have to take care of me...I don't want to lose MY INDEPENDENCE.

I've worked my entire life so no man, not my parents, Emma, NO ONE needs to take care of me.

And not just me..I have some very good friends wrestling with similar questions of their own...do I go away to college? Or stay somewhere familiar? Do I get the operation that may leave me less mobile than I am now or keep looking to find a better way? How can I continue to function when I can't leave my house?
These questions raise heart rending questions and feelings because it's all centered on losing our independence. Whether it's temporary or not.

Losing your independence , at least in America, is often seen as "becoming a burden" or "not being capable" or competent or mature or...hell the list goes on and on.

I worked too hard to end up dependent.

BUT. One of the things I love to do most is help my friends..whether it's a drink when I know they are short of cash, a meal, a shoulder, a ride, a word of advice or hooking them up to a person or product that would make their lives easier or helps in the nick of time...seriously one of my favorite things, a direct result of my glorious independence that I can do that. Makes me feel GOOD.

So after some heavy duty examination here's what I arrived at:

The words Give-and-Take appear together frequently don't they?
And someone helping you doesn't mean you are help-less.
And am I denying someone else the pleasure they would get (just like I do) from helping me if I continue to be nothing but Miss Independent?

I just realized for the past 20 years I've only been living on one side of the equation...

I "Ensure" you. it won't happen again.