Le Freak, C'est Chic..NOT

Not that I wanted to hear the words...but when I did hear the words...cancer...radiation...chemo...it took me a second but I then said "OK, I can rock this". I didn't feel angry. A little sad and inconvenienced maybe and resolute, but not angry. I've know a lot of folks who had it and turned out fine, My Mom and Dad, Randy, Emma's grandpa...I figure if they can I can.

I'm young, otherwise healthy and I have a good attitude...at least until the other day.

Yep those three words I could rock...but then I came up against one I couldn't. Colostomy. In case you don't know what that is it's an operation to bypass your rectum and normal pooping by taking a piece of your intestine and having it protrude out of your body...you then have to attach a plastic bag onto it and that's where everything comes out.

The mere thought of that flipped me out...REALLY flipped me out.
You see I was under the impression if I took Chemo and radiation to shrink the tumor before surgery that instead of having to take a large scoop out of me they would only have to take a tiny one. "You see this makes it easier" the Dr's said...

Nice!! Easier for me I thought...less of my body to barbarically rip out (something I know in my heart they wouldn't have to do if it were 20 years from now) turns out I was WRONG.

Turns out that "easier" means easier for the surgeon because it's easier to get around in there and operate. So even if it shrinks completely away...they still take out the same area...this increases the chance for a colostomy.

I WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Which led to my first freak out and it wasn't pretty or chic it was the ugliest cry ever. I was in public...in the park across from the Ludlow Skyline, crying so hard I looked like a crazy person, I cried so much that afterwards my eyes looked like little tiny slits. I was scared and shaking and I was PISSED. OK I was finally angry.

I felt angry and sad...and I felt stupid and humiliated...and I was giving Kevin an earful, saying stuff that ranged between not making any sense and horrible things I should have never said and didn't really mean.

Because it finally hit me that this was going to be nothing even like a disco dance...it wasn't even remotely going to be pleasant.
And the only thing I could do about it was go through it.